Loneliness is a tough mental state to over come. Many retreat to it and fall victim to it’s darkness. So when loneliness knocked on my door back in August 2013, I decided to welcome it in and take it on a trip.

I decided on a weekend to San Francisco. I dubbed it my “Eat, Pray and Love” trip. The goal was simple. I would eat delicious food, I would seek inner peace/enlightenment and I would re-learn to love myself. All in hopes to reassure loneliness, that although alone, I was going to be ok.Documenting my journey was important to me. I did not want to forget what I would learn or better yet, forget why I was taking the trip in the first place.

The first day was scary, I didn’t know where to begin. I got on the bart and headed for the city. As I exited close to the Embarcadero Stop, I began to walk. First stop – EAT! This was my first breakfast alone. I picked a random coffee shop that had a breakfast menu, I asked for a suggestion and ordered it. I picked a small corner table next to a window and ate. I can’t tell you now what thoughts were going through my head as I bit into the croissant, all I could hear was the sound of my teeth grinding on the bread. It was quiet in my head.

After breakfast – I was headed to the pier. I really wanted to see the bridge. As I walked to the pier, I came across the St Mary’s square church. “Should I pray?” I thought to myself, “maybe a small prayer so my trip goes well?” But I was a retired Catholic and prayer was the last thing on my mind. So I stood there for a bit, admiring the architecture, but again, nothing came to mind. I took a snap shot instead and kept walking.

I rented a bicycle and rode along the coast, the goal was to get as close to the bridge as possible. But I got too distracted with the water that I stopped along the coast, picked a spot and sat. I decided to put on my headphones and just listed to music, what came on was Jimmy Cliff’s ‘Many rivers to cross’ and all i could do was cry.

I probably sat there for twenty minutes replaying that song. I looked around me and I saw families stacking rocks. I decided to join and made my stack. I wanted to leave a mark, to remember where I shed a tear for myself. That spot was now important, because those little bits of tears were for me, not for anyone, but for me. I was finally doing something for myself, and it felt great.

The next day I decided to get “lost.” I brought a caramel infused with San Francisco’s well known friend, Mary Jane. I dropped it in my morning coffee and again, began to walk. As the caramel melted and sweetened my coffee, I thought to myself, “What now? where do I go? what do I do?” because all in all, I was lost. I had a plan and now it was time for a new one. I managed to walk from Washington Square all the way to the Science Center. I wont lie, I literally was lost, for about an hour. It did not help that my phones battery was low, and I was on Planet 9. Luckily, I found my way. But during that 1 hour walk, I cried again – this time it was fear. I realized I had always relied on someone to guide me. That day, I let that go. I would guide myself, I would find my path.

Sure enough, that weekend was coming to a close and I had learned a lot. One thing is for sure, I am not alone. Although loneliness has a way of tricking you into feeling that you are, you really aren’t. I believe this to be true because there were two things I did not let go of when loneliness came my way. One was hope, the other was love. Those two together are a mighty team. Hope keeps you grounded, looking forward to whatever light presents itself in your life. Hope latches onto that, it ignites it like fire. And love… it keeps you humble. It kept me secure, because I loved myself enough to make sure I was safe.

In the end – that small solo get away did my mind, body and heart a lot of good. What I valued the most was the ability to over come my thoughts and tell my mind I was going to be alright.

“Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power,

and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes.

You are free” – Jim Morisson